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9 Thoughts Every Woman Has While Masturbating

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When you’re taking some solo time to get in touch with your body, it’s pretty much a judgment-free zone. You can do whatever, say whatever, and think whatever you want—nobody here to please but yourself! But just like your mind can wander when you’re in bed with a partner, it’s pretty much impossible to turn your brain off when you’re getting busy with yourself. Really, who hasn’t had the following thoughts while they were getting off?

1. “Oohh yeah…see, why is this so hard for other people to understand?” It’s not like your clitoris is on an undercover mission—it’s right there. Well, to be fair, you probably know this layout a little better than your partner. But still.

2. “Wait, did I lock the door?” Whatever, you probably did. It’s not like your rooommate ever comes home this early…but what if she does? How embarrassing would that be? Okay, you should get up and check. It’ll only take two seconds.

3. “Okay, this isn’t really working. Where’s my vibrator?” I mean, your hand is great and all, but it doesn’t have six different settings and pleasure beads…whatever those are. Now, where did you put it?

4. “Welp, porn it is!” You can only replay that same hot scene with your ex in your head so many times. Plus, you’ve seen his new Facebook photo, and…well…he does not look the same. Looks like you’re firing up the laptop. Internet, don’t fail us now!

5. “Eew no, that is definitely not hot.” Help! How did I click my way into this terrifying section?! ABORT ABORT!

6. “Mmm… now that is a celebrity fantasy I can work with.” Back to old school fantasizing. Hmm…wonder if Jesse Williams will be in the Magic Mike sequel? That’s in the works, right? (Answer: YES.)

7. “WHO is texting me right now?!” You are this close to an orgasm and now your phone decides to blow up. Ugh. Rookie mistake—should have set that baby to vibrate.

8. “YES! MAN, I am good.” Is there some sort of medal for this? If not, there should be…

9. “I definitely deserve another round.” Why? Because you can.

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Bettie Page

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